of better and worse.

Me messing in the Tanarata studios.

The past few days have been extremely terrible. I really thought I could keep my composure, at least for the rest of the week so I could break down during the weekends when my parents and sister leave to Teluk Intan and I'm alone. But I guess that didn't work out. I can't tell if its the stress, of the messing up of exams, or my education or the fact that I'm completely confused about you.

But really, I thank goodness that I have friends that are ever ready to help me all the time. You guys know who you are. And I'm so grateful because even if I barely know some of you guys at all, you still jump in to help me when I need it the most.

I think Thursday was the day I really dipped. I couldn't keep smiling, couldn't keep pretending everything was okay, and I just couldn't hold everything in myself. And there and then, in front of the VERY person I didn't want to be seen that way, I just broke down into sobs. And even then, it took so much effort to retain the tears that just wouldn't stop. I tried, I did try to be brave and ignore the truth, but I couldn't. It was just way too hard.

And that wasn't it. It happened twice, in the same hour. Suddenly, I just felt myself crashing down, dying inside. I'd finally given in to everything then. My head and heart were hurting. And it did get a bit better, until I left college and everything seemed to sink in again. Even my immune system decided to fail alongside my body. But I guess I did a good job in pretending I was fine for the rest of the day.

It didn't get much better on Friday. The fact I lacked food and sleep just tore me down. I started off smiling and studying normally though. Although that didn't last for more than two hours because I was completely in tears then. Again. I didn't understand why everything was happening to me. I did try to stop crying. I just wished it worked. I wished I could show everyone who was there with me that their presence did help me. It did. But I just couldn't.

I managed smiling though. Once in a while. And even after that, I wasn't much better. I slept because I was in so much pain and I couldn't study. And all the time I wished for someone to be there to hug me until the pain went away. Not that I was brave enough to ask for a hug.

LOL. These emo posts must stop. But I never did want to tell everyone the full story, because I didn't want anyone else to be bogged down with my crap, and that I couldn't ever bring myself to. Sometimes things are just best left to me. But now, at least after blogging, I feel more at ease knowing I've expressed myself here. At least. :)